


nights spent apart (i've been wishing you'd come back)

by hanxluke (merrylarry)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Mad Luke, Mention of Death, Military AU, Sad Luke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-05-25 05:53:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6183046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merrylarry/pseuds/hanxluke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>han goes off to war, leaving luke alone. with a twist and a turn, things get complicated and words aren't meant once spoken. it's all just a mess under the stars they used to spend hours gazing up at.</p>
            </blockquote>





	nights spent apart (i've been wishing you'd come back)

Luke wiped the tears from his eyes and looked up at Han’s solemn face. Han frowned at him and wrapped his arms around Luke’s small frame, allowing the smaller boy to rest his head on his shoulder. “I won’t be gone that long,” he tried to assure him.

“It’s nine months, Han. It’ll feel like an eternity,” Luke replied with a sob.

Han let go of Luke and placed his hands on either side of his face. “There’s nothing to worry about, kid. I’ll be back before you know it.” Before Luke could get another word in, a voice rang out through the airport’s stuffy atmosphere, calling for the final passengers on flight 11 to board.

“I gotta go,” Han said, placing a gentle kiss onto Luke’s forehead. Han turned on his heel and began walking towards the gate. Luke watched as the lanky man strode away with his large duffle bag slung over one of his broad shoulders. He held back tears as Han left his line of sight. This would be the last time he would see him for nine long months. Just the thought left Luke with a bad taste in his mouth and a sick stomach.

A single tear fell from his eye and it ran down his tanned cheek, leaving a wet streak on his face.

 

|*|

 

It had been only a few days since Han left when the realization that Han was actually gone had sunk in. Luke had caught himself multiple times calling out for his boyfriend for him only to realize that he wasn’t there and that he wouldn’t be for a long time. It was an adjustment to say the least, and Luke was having a bit of a difficult time.

One of Luke’s best friends, Ben, had been his rock the past few days. Whenever Luke needed a shoulder to cry on or an ear to just sit and listen to him, Ben was there. It made Luke feel a bit weird, seeing as how Ben had done so much for him lately, but Luke had yet to do anything for Ben. It made him feel like he was a terrible friend, but Ben had told him countless times that it didn’t matter, but Luke still had the feeling.

Luke found himself staring at a picture of himself and Han that hang on the wall just to the side of the tv. It had been taken the summer prior and it was one of the most recent pictures of the two together that occupied their wall space. Both of their bright, smiling faces were shown in the photograph, a single moment that neither of them wanted to be forgotten. The picture was from their trip to the zoo, and Luke had found it incredibly important that they take a group photo with every cute animal they saw. (Han had later said that he hated it, but Luke could tell that it was an obviously lie.)

Luke sighed and closed his eyes. It had only been a few days, but he had already begun to worry about Han. This wasn’t like basic training; back then Luke knew he would come back. Now, however, everything suddenly became a lot more real and the danger level had increased to a number far higher than Luke was used to dealing with. This all of course led to his anxiety acting up, but he knew he needed to stay calm and to remain calm. Han would hate to see him worrying; he always had.

 

|*|

 

It was now two months after Han’s departure and Luke had finally begun to feel better about his boyfriend’s absence. Though, he didn’t do it without a bit of help; Han had called him as often as he could, assuring him that everything would be okay, and that he was fine and that there was absolutely nothing to worry about.

Luke was in the kitchen, cutting up carrots for a soup he planned on making as a way to say ‘thanks’ to Ben, when it happened. He had just begun cutting up a second carrot when the landline rang. Strange, he thought, no one ever called on that old thing. He wiped his hands on his pants and walked into the living room and grabbed the phone off of the side table next to the couch.

“Hello?”

“Is this Luke Skywalker speaking?” a deep voice replied.

“Yes, this is he,” Luke said warily. He had a bad feeling that started to grow in his stomach.  
“  
You were listed as the next of kin to a Han Solo. I don’t normally deliver this type of news over the phone, but because of the unpredictability of Midwestern weather, I have to. I regret to inform you of the passing of Lieutenant Han Solo.” Luke’s attention faded after that, his mind becoming a blur of the words no, no, no. This couldn’t have happened. Not to Han, not his Han.

Luke hung up the phone and collapsed onto the floor, his sobs echoed throughout the room. Tears stung at his eyes and he let them fall. Maybe if he blinded himself by his own tears, he wouldn’t have to think about it. He brought his knees up to his face and hugged them close, his arms wrapped around them. “Han,” he choked out, his sobs becoming louder and louder.

And that was how Ben found him, still crying and clutching his knees like if he got smaller he would be able to forget everything and drift off into nothingness. His hypothesis was proven false when Luke looked up at Ben and everything came flooding back into his memory once again.

“Luke, what’s wrong?” Ben asked as he crouched down next to the crying boy.

“Han. He’s gone,” Luke sobbed, tears once again streaming down his now puffy face. Ben didn’t say anything, he didn’t know enough about what had happened to comfort him, but he knew enough to know it wouldn’t have helped anyway.

 

|*|

 

The day had come at last, the day that Luke could finally feel like he was doing something of importance. It was a few months after Han’s death, the thought still fresh in his mind. Luke had signed up to join the military, he hoped maybe then he wouldn’t feel like he took everything for granted, that he was doing something that Han would have approved of. (Actually, Han probably would have hated the ground he stood on if Luke had ever enlisted while he was alive.)

Luke had arrived at basic training the night before, his heavy bag of clothing and other things weighed heavy on his back. The first morning he knew would be hell, but it at least gave him an opportunity to focus on something other than him. It had gotten to the point where he couldn’t even speak his name. But that was okay, he knew it would get better as more time passed. Well, he hoped so anyways.

It was five in the morning and Luke along with the entirety of the group he had arrived with were headed towards the mess hall to eat. It was still dark out, the stars still illuminated the landscape with a soft glow of light. Luke watched as the people in front of him entered the decently sized building that would house the majority of their meals for the next while. He walked through the white doors and the bustling noise of people talking hit his ears like nails scraping against a chalk board.

The line of people that streamed in from outside became the basis for the line to get food. Luke didn’t expect the food to taste that good, but he at least wanted to give it a chance; it’s all he’d be eating it for a while. As the line slowly progressed, Luke finally got up to the counter to collect his ration. He didn’t know what it was, but it smelled decent enough. Just as he was about to walk off to find a place to sit and eat, a voice called out his name. He turned around and saw a tall man with dark brown hair that hung down to his shoulders.

The man walked up to Luke and smiled. “Are you Luke Skywalker?”

“Yes, I am,” he replied a bit hesitantly.

“Oh god, I should have known, your eyes are exactly how he described them.” Luke gave him a strange look. “Sorry, that sounded creepy. I knew Han, we were friends back when he was here. You were all he ever seemed to talk about. I was sorry to hear about his passing. He was a good man.”

Luke nodded, scared that if he spoke he might be too overcome with emotions. The other man continued, “I’m Chewie, well, that’s what Han called me. Said my hair made me look like a dog, which I disagree with, but whatever. I really didn’t expect to ever see the infamous Luke in real life.”

“Yeah, well I just thought this would be a good change of pace for me. It just seems right,” Luke replied slowly. A glint of something shone in Chewie’s eyes and Luke wondered exactly what it was. He decided it didn’t matter and said goodbye to the taller man and found himself a place to eat.

 

|*|

 

Luke’s head bobbed up and down as he trudged through the thick mud, his boots getting pulled into what seemed like a never ending pile of quicksand like ground. Ahead of him was the most cliché thing he had ever seen; barbed wire that had been tied onto posts about a foot off the ground, and he was expected to crawl underneath it.

He dropped to the ground just before the wire start and began to pull himself forward. His face had droplets of water and mud splattered onto it and his knees were bruised to no end. He tilted his head up and to the right to get a breath of air that wasn’t polluted with mud and for a split second he swore he saw Han’s face.

He paused for a moment. “Skywalker! Keep going, stop being such a baby and get going!” Luke gritted his teeth and kept crawling, trying to get the image of Han out of his mind.  
Sadly, he couldn’t quite shake that moment, so the rest of the day it haunted him, slowing him down and pissing his superiors off in the process. That night, while lying in his assigned bed, he milled over the possibility of whether or not he could be going crazy. Or maybe it was something else.

Late that night when the stars shone and the air was frigid, Luke awoke to hushed voices that seemed to be arguing nearby. He sat up in bed and looked around; nothing. He moved the blanket and let one of his legs fall to the floor. He stood up, his feet clad in only socks, and walked to the end of the bed. He peaked his head out past the bed and looked around, trying to see if there was anyone there that would be able to spot him.

He tiptoed to the door of the barracks and opened it slowly and he stuck his head out to see if he could find who was talking before. There was a concrete sidewalk that went around the entire building, and Luke followed it and snuck around the corner of the building. He could faintly make out some whispered voices.

“Chewie, I can’t just go and talk to him, what would I even say? Hey, I’m not dead! That would be a dick move.” That was Han’s voice. No, it couldn’t be. It wasn’t.  
He couldn’t quite make out what Chewie was saying, but it didn’t matter. Luke rounded the corner and his mouth dropped open when he finally saw Han’s face. “Han?” he croaked out.

Han turned to him and his eyes widened. “Luke…” Chewie turned to face Luke and made a groan before he walked away.

“Yo-you died,” Luke said in awe.

“It’s a bit more complicated than that, kid.”

Luke’s amazement soon turned to anger. “I thought you were dead!”

“That’s what you were supposed to think.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Luke was distraught. He had been fed lies, lies that had made him break down in tears, had made him fall to the floor and lose all hope in the world. And it was all lies.

 

|*|

 

Luke had been sent home after snapping at each and every one of his superiors when they talked to him. He knew it was an awful thing to do – after all, they weren’t the ones that faked their own deaths – but at the time, he didn’t care. He sat at home, door locked and his phone on silent. He was still coming to terms with the fact that Han was still in fact alive. It made him sick to his stomach just to think about. How could Han lie about a thing like this? Was it his fault? Maybe he had been too clingy after all.

No, Luke thought. It wasn’t his fault at all. Han was just an asshole who didn’t care about other people’s feelings. Luke looked over at the side table next to the couch and grimaced when he saw the screen light up. He picked it up and sighed when he saw Han’s name. He didn’t want to even see what Han has said, but he looked anyway.  
Kid, I’m sorry. –Han

Luke closed the message and dialed up Leia. He sighed once again while the phone rang out. No answer. Great, he thought, even his own sister doesn’t want to talk to him. He tossed his phone next to him on the couch and crossed his arms over his chest. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths.

He heard keys outside his door, unlocking the door. Leia. No wonder she didn’t respond, she must have been driving. Luke didn’t turn around as he heard footsteps from behind him. “Leia, I’m so glad you’re here-“ Luke froze. It wasn’t Leia. “What are you doing here?”

Han shook his head and looked at the ground. “I want to apologize.”

“Apologize? Don’t you think it’s a bit late for that?” Luke asked as he stood up. “And how did you even get in? I changed the locks.”

“Leia gave me a set of keys,” Han replied.

Luke chuffed. “Leia’s talking to you?”

“Yeah. She knew about the whole thing, she knew the truth.”

Luke paced across the room. “You told my sister, but you didn’t tell me? I don’t even understand why you did it in the first place!” Luke screamed at him. Han flinched and wringed his hands.

"I’m not good at relationships, kid. I didn’t want to break your heart with you knowing that I was out there somewhere having a nice life. I figured this would be the best way. Obviously I was wrong.”

“Of course you were fucking wrong, you dickhead! I thought you were dead!”

Han turned around and began to walk toward the door. “I think I’d be better off dead at this point.”

"I wish you were.”

Han walked out the door, slamming it behind him. Luke slumped back onto the couch and huffed to himself. He didn’t believe in happy endings. He knew they were just fictional ideas planted in everyone’s mind at young ages. They weren’t realistic.

Besides, he thought, if Han really did hate him that much, then why had he come back to apologize? That was the one thing he couldn’t quite figure out. He also couldn’t quite figure out why Han even faked his death in the first place. Luke wasn’t that emotionally immature. He could handle a breakup. It had to be something more, but what exactly, Luke wasn’t sure.  
Han continued to call, much to Luke’s dismay. It seemed like Han didn’t get the hint; Luke was upset, well, he was more than upset, but he couldn’t quite find the perfect word for what exactly he was feeling.

 

|*|

 

Han fell back onto the motel’s dingy smelling bed. He sighed and rubbed his temple. He knew what he had done was fucked up and probably the worst thing he could ever do in a lifetime, yet he did it anyway. He hurt the only person in the world he truly cared deeply about – and he regretted it.

It wasn’t about Luke. The lie he had made up when he had went to see Luke was lax compared to the reality of the situation. He had some trouble while he was deployed, but that was only the beginning of it. Han hadn’t realized how truly awful his native country’s intentions were until he ended up face to face with them. He saw countless murders, women, children, men, the elderly – no one was safe from the destruction.

He couldn’t stand supporting a cause so vicious and awful. It made him feel guilty about where he came from, the country he thought he would support through anything. Everything he had been told was a lie; there wasn’t an initial threat that would have started the war. It was all because the higher ups wanted money and they always turned to war as a way to gain power and to instill fear in millions.

He had no honorable way to leave the fight, however. He was one of the best of the best, and no intelligent person would allow that kind of talent to just up and walk away. Death was his only way out. He didn’t want to actually die, he just wanted to go home. That was why he did it. He just wanted to come home and see Luke. That’s all he had wanted since the first day he was deployed.

He knew he should tell Luke; the boy already hated him, so it wasn’t likely he would make him any madder than he already was.

 

|*|

 

“Wait, so that’s why you did it? For me? Then why did you tell me it was because you didn’t want to hurt me?” Luke asked after Han had finished explaining the whole story.

“I didn’t know if you wanted to hear the truth. The men in there – the ones I was with – didn’t realize how bad it was. It was as if they were brainwashed into thinking it was all fine and dandy. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t want to die for a cause I didn’t believe in.” Han replied, his voice wavering.

“I knew there had to be a better reason. The Han I know would never be so careless when it comes to someone else’s feelings.”

“Especially yours, kid.” Han smiled at Luke.

“There’s still one thing I don’t get. Why did you tell Leia before you told me?”

Han hummed as he thought it over. “I guess I somehow knew you’d be much more mad at me than she could ever be. I’m sorry for waiting to tell you.”

A beat of silence passed. “I’m still mad at you.”

“Oh I know.”


End file.
